Tag: Life Coach

Autopilot

We are creatures of habit and change is meant to be difficult. We spend 80% of our day in autopilot mode. Okay, Autopilot is not all bad, it helps for repetitive activities like driving home. While on autopilot it allows us to focus on other or new activities that come up. But lets talk about habits……..

Since the 1960’s most psychologist agreed with the statement that it takes a minimum of 21 days to rid yourself of an old habit and/ or for a new habit to stick. I have found out, this is true and yet false. Why? Well because the research was not scientific, it was from the findings of a Cosmetic Surgeon by the name of Dr. Maxwell Maltz. He stated that it took approximately 21 days for his patients to become used to their new features. An with this new knowledge we, as humans, took it and ran with it and why you ask….. well its psychological, it allows us to have an end point. But in actuality it’s a setup. It makes it easier for us to feel like a failure if you didn’t succeed in this time frame.

Now I am not writing this article to discourage you, its to help you rethink. Breaking a bad habit or picking up a new positive one is worth the effort and in turn breaking a habit really means establishing a new habit. You can’t stop doing something habitual without a replacement behavior and besides it is much easier to start doing something new.

Habits are meant to be resistant to change and this is because its an habitual and repetitive action/ behavior that is imbedded in our thoughts, all while creating a routine without thought. Guess what this means!!!!!!! It means we have the capability of programming and reprogramming our brains. However, the longer you’ve had a habit, the longer it will take to get rid of it. The good news is, people are always capable of doing something else when they’re made aware of the habit and are sufficiently motivated to change.

So lets talk numbers, since I know now that we need something to hold on to. Finally scientist did the research and now the new average is 66 days, and for some it can take up to 254 days. I know you just died inside, but changes do not happen by magic, it takes work. Stay strong, you can do it. Matter of fact “Just Do It”.

So here are my Thoughts and Challenge…..

I challenge you to pick a new habit you would like to possess, use this to replace a bad habit you want to refrain from. Go on and think…… Ok ready…..

You will need 6 months minimum, true commitment, a strategy, and of course practice. It will also require the following:

Availability- how easy it is to start a new habit

Strength and Motivation- It must have personal value, and not pressure from others.

Mental and Physical- you must have the ability to change your thoughts and physically be able to do the work.

Because our brains works off the reward system, just like a little child. Start small by giving yourself a new reward for completing the task and eventually the brain will drop the old reward value and the new one will takes its place.

Embrace the process, commit to the system. Embrace the long slow walk to greatness. Treat failures like a scientist, give yourself permission to make mistakes, while developing strategies for getting back on track quickly. Forget about the number and focus on doing the work. “He who cannot obey himself, will be commanded”~ Friedrich Nietzsche.

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The Revive

Getting a second chance at life was the best gift ever given. We knew this time around we had to make it right. Our life now is nothing like our past. We realized in order to be revived, you must leave EVERYTHING behind. Revive means to “Start Again or Bring Back to Life”. We left all the drugs and fast life behind and brought in eating healthier and saving money. We decided instead of being upset about our past, we embraced it and understood that it made us who we are today. We created our own family and have adopted meditation practices which helps us deal with our stresses and anger. We restored our thoughts and renewed our minds. Changed our entire world and lifestyle, and with it came many blessings. All in all we have developed our own methods to all the madness and we found what worked and what didn’t.

But still, so many people have questions regarding our relationship. Such as, how did you overcome family issues? Have you ever been a subject of prejudice? How was Brooklyn (our daughter) created? How do you guys have such a great relationship? What is it like being in a same-sex relationship? Well today is your lucky day, I am going to answer them all for you right here, right now.

How did you overcome family issues? My family has always had an adoration for Tip (my wife). They always treated her like family and Mom loves having her as a Daughter-in-law. As for Tip’s family..(long pause)……. Lets just say even after over 10 years its better, but not great. We just don’t give it any energy and I avoid it at all cost.

Has your relationship ever been under prejudice? Yes. One situation stands out the most in my memories and it will probably forever be imbedded in my mind. Tip, our daughter (4months old), and I were all at the grocery store and an older white lady came over to see the baby and said ” Oh she’s so gorgeous” then looked up at myself and Tip. She then looked down at our child and says “You poor thing”. My body said “Punch her”, but my mind said “She’s ignorant.”

How was Brooklyn created? So most people thought that I had a random one night stand with a guy….. wait..WHAT! Uhm No. Brooklyn was created with the help of Fertility clinic. She is a product of how many single women now have children if they do not have a partner, but yet wants kids.

Why do you guys have such a great relationship? This is simple. We are Friends. Like Friedrich Nietzsche states “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”

What is it like being in a same-sex relationship? For whatever reason people think our relationship differs from any heterosexual relationship. Guess what guys… It doesn’t. All relationships require work, even friendships are relationships.

If you have any other questions that you would love to know, I am an open book and will respond to all. All you have to do is ask.

The Verticals

Most people believe in life you get the hand you’re dealt and that’s it. You are as smart and hardworking as your going to be and there’s nothing you can do to change it. That’s called a fixed mindset.

What’s the difference between a regular (straight line) person and a vertical person??? Answer: a Successful Mindset. Let me school you:

  1. Verticals don’t fail, they see failure as an opportunity. We ask ourselves “What did I learn from the experience?” When we experience a setback, we don’t dwell on it. We assess and move on to the next thing.
  2. Verticals accept who they are, they have a great relationship with themselves. It is important to us know our strengths and weaknesses. We have even taught ourselves how to “correct ourselves”.
  3. Verticals set high goals and work towards achieving them and don’t stop until they reach them. Having a dream is great, but goals turn the invisible to visible.
  4. Verticals don’t hope for the best, they take control to make things happen. You always have a choice, you can control your mind or you can let it control you.
  5. Verticals will see a problem as a reason to be creative and come up with a solution. When you focus on problems you will have more problems, but when you focus on solutions you have more opportunities.
  6. Verticals are always learning. If you want to go far have a learners mindset. Be open to learning and growth and development, free of bias.

To become a better version of yourself, you first must learn to hear your current mindset, recognize that you have a choice, talk back to it using a successful mindset, then take action.

Read this article a few times and once you begin to fully understand, start making executive decisions. You are the CEO of your own life.

From the words of my favorite philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche “He who has a WHY to live, can bear almost any HOW.”

Straight Line

Think about what a straight line looks like. It’s on-going, consistent and never changing. With 75% of us living as “straight lines” it’s time to make a change. Living this way is very robotic. Wake up in the morning, take a shower, brush your hair and teeth. Get dressed, make sure the kids are up and getting ready. Do your make-up rush out the house, drop the kids off and be on your way to work. Sounds like an average morning huh! For most working women this is the norm.

Then you get to work, and this is where I see it the most. You complain all day at work about your job, co-workers, low pay, all while fantasizing about where you want to be at right now. This is the same time of day when you talk about all the things you want to do, when in reality you are too terrified to actually do it. Then you get off of work and become robots again, just to wake up in the morning to do it all over.

Stop complaining about everything and do something, period.

Make tomorrow different. Change can’t happen without action. Take that course you were always thinking about and stick with it. Take that vacation you always wanted. Make the decision to look for a better more rewarding job, or start that business you dreamt about as a kid. I can almost guarantee you that when you decide to make a change, your life will be different.

Also remember, once you have made a CHOICE to do something different you must follow it through. You can’t be all talk and no action. That’s what got you here in the first place.

There’s a reason why Nike says “Just Do It”, because its that simple. Stop co-existing and start living.

The Circle

Living life in a circle is when you keep doing or talking about the same thing without achieving anything. However, it can be interpreted in so many areas in life. Such as your job, raising kids and everyday life. Most of us have lived this way at least once in their life.

This is just one example of living in a circle and in this case relationships.

Let me tell you a short story about my dear friend. She was married for 23 years to a man that she knew was no good for her, but she had three kids with him and she stayed. About 18 years into the marriage she was fed up and left her husband, only to go back to him a year later. Thinking this time it will be different……. things were still the same. I met her at this point in her life and at first I thought they had a great marriage. But to my surprise it was all a show. She began to talk about what was going on and what she was going to do and never followed through she continued this for another 5 years.

This shows the circle or cycle some people place them selves into. What made her think that after 18 years something would be different? It’s simple, she was comfortable with the mental abuse. She was familiar with his ways and actions. The thought of CHOOSING another way was too far to obtain. Or was it?

After 5 years of HER trying, she decided to be completely done. She kicked him out of the home and filed for a divorce. However, in the back of her mind she still wanted to be with him. She gave him one year to get his shit together and she promised to take him back and remarry.

I know your thinking “what the (bleep)?” But yes, this really did happen. I wanted to slit my throat. I told her that she was absolutely insane. But I knew she was sick and it was something much deeper. So I dedicated my time to counsel her and allow her to open all scars of the past and present so she can understand why she was living in a circle.

She vowed to not date anyone until she was completely healed and over her now ex-husband. All while understanding 23 years isn’t going to be gone in one year. She told stories about feeling abandoned & abuse in the home as a child. Also as a child she was never allowed to tell or show anything was wrong.

Some people are living as robots, not sure as to why certain things are happening to them. Not even realizing the reason they are in a situation most of the time is due to their past, or better yet childhood. It’s about recognizing it, owning it, and changing it, breaking the cycle.

This time was needed, she began to realize and connect all her behavior and choices back to her childhood. She owned her part in the failures, and she has now broken the cycle. Never wanting to go backwards ever again. She is currently now dating and enjoying her life they way it was intended, by her new choices.